I'm sorry, you're not getting a Christmas card this year. I know one year you received ours in February, so you may think it's still coming...but I can assure you it is not. Instead you get this wonderful recap of the year.
This year has been the best year for our family out of the past three years (other than the birth of our wonderful Brienne all the way back in 2018). I hesitate to even write this, because I know 2020 has been incredibly difficult for many people and I don't want to be insensitive to that fact. So, in order to put this year in perspective for OUR family, first is a very brief recap of 2018 and 2019: in 2018 my pregnancy was miserable. My labor was miserable. Bri had to go under the lights when she was born, so she was miserable. At 2 months old she was exposed to whooping cough, a month or two later she was in the hospital with RSV, and a month after that I was in the emergency room with a kidney stone. 2019 wasn't significantly better. Bri and I were both sick a lot (I was at the doctor at least once a month for 6 months and Bri was there at least once a month for 9 months). I had four surgeries due to the kidney problems that started the year before. We moved because there were 4 shootings in our community, with the last one being a drive by almost right in front of our house in the middle of the afternoon. So...2020 had a lot to compete with in terms of bad things happening. January was rough for the first half because I was still having issues from my surgeries and I believe at least one or two of my kids were sick. However, none of us have really been sick since then (maybe a little stint in May, but that's all I can remember), which is basically unheard of in our house. Kylena did go to the ER in the summer when she had to get stitches in her head, but otherwise our year has been fairly uneventful medically speaking. (And honestly, I budget for at least 1 ER trip per year for injuries and I'm not sure how we made it this long without.) One of the most exciting things for me this year has been the addition of a couple of medicines to help with my migraines. I typically average 3 migraines a week and most of the time they're bad enough that I am out for the day. As you can imagine, I lose a lot of productive hours per week due to this. Towards the end of 2019 or beginning of 2020 I finally started a medicine that helps when I get a migraine - it sometimes takes up to 2 hours, has gross side effects, and I usually have to be in bed for that time in order for it to work - but it works, and that's what matters. Then just 2.5 weeks ago I started a monthly injection and I have only had 1 migraine since. I feel a bit dramatic saying that it's life-changing, but it truly will be if it continues to work as well as it has so far. In March when everything closed down because of COVID, it was hard, especially for Izzy, but it also allowed us to get caught up on all of the school we were behind on (due to the four surgeries the winter prior) and we have remained caught up since. This is the first year we've ever still been on track with school at the end of December. (That's not even mentioning how much easier all these COVID school decisions have been on us since we already homeschool.) We also have been able to get caught up on almost all of our house projects at home, including getting new floors through most of the house, and we are finally 100% unpacked from when we moved in June 2019. I thought I would hate being stuck at home all the time, and although I did lose my patience more than I'd care to admit, I also found that I really enjoyed just being at home and enjoying uninterrupted time with my family. Shawn has been working at home since March and will be for the foreseeable future, which has been a huge blessing for our whole family. Additionally, he got a nice promotion this past summer and we are in the best place financially that we have ever been in, which relieves a ton of stress for me. After my surgeries last year I determined that I needed to be healthier. January 12th I started exercising regularly and in February or March I started eating better (or at least sometimes I eat better...I still struggle on that one). My anxiety got the best of me towards the end of October and I had a couple rough months, but I've been back with it now for a few days and have seen a ton of improvements in my health over the past year that I'm quite pleased with. Our kids are awesome. Izzy (7.5) continues to amaze us with how smart she is and her excitement for life and planning parties (which admittedly has been a little rough this year). She's in third grade and basically excels in everything she does. Kylena (4.5) has made HUGE strides in her speech, comprehension, and behaviors this year. Every day she says and does new things that show she's just growing leaps and bounds. This is my first year homeschooling her and although it's been a challenge at times, it has also been such a joy to be a part of all the progress she's making. She is so incredibly smart and I know that one day she'll use it for good. ;) Brienne's speech and comprehension is ridiculous for a two year old and she keeps us very entertained with her expressions both through her words and on her face. For being a third child she is quite bossy and dramatic, but she is also insanely cuddly and sweet. Today Shawn and I celebrate 12 years since the day of our engagement. I am glad to say that I love him just as much as I did 12 years ago. We've been through a lot together and I could not ask for a more supportive husband. He is truly the best. There have certainly been hard things also. COVID has been rough on Izzy socially. She thrives on interacting with others. We've also had two people close to us who had very hard experiences with COVID and it's hard to see loved ones suffering. Then the derecho in August was huge - we were without our phones for a couple days and without internet for almost two weeks. It felt very strange to not have any idea what was going on around us as we had no way to access the news or social media. We were blessed to not have as much damage as most...the hardest part for us has been dealing with the extra fears and anxiety that Kylena now has in regards to rain, wind, and loud noises in general. Finally, a couple years ago I shared that I was excited that we were still in contact with 4 out of 5 of our former foster children, but due to various circumstances that number is down to 1 (which is Kylena). Each of our foster kiddos takes a piece of my heart when they leave, so this year has been a little heartbreaking in that aspect. Long story short: This year was hard, but it was also filled with better health, better finances, and better quality time with my family. God has been gracious to us and we give all praise to Him for what He's done in our lives this year. Our prayer is that we continually train our kids to love God and love others and that we do it both by teaching them and by setting good examples in our own lives. We pray that you also will grow in your love and knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ through both the good times and the hard times that will undoubtedly come throughout the next year. Love, Marla
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Honestly, I hate this title. We live in a culture obsessed with "self-love" and overall I find it to be selfish and in direct opposition to our call to love God and love others. But for those who know me, it caught your attention right? Like, "Uh oh, Marla's gone off the deep end now." ;) Anyway, what it should be called is something more like, "Learning to Have An Accurate View of Myself," but that didn't seem as catchy, so here we go. For as long as I can remember, I have been a people-pleaser. To the extreme. Even as a kid, people would always ask questions like, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I've known I want to be a stay-at-home mom for as long as I can remember, but even from an early age I knew that wasn't what people wanted to hear so I always went with my second choice, "A secretary." (Which to be honest, also wasn't what my teachers wanted to hear based on my academics, but I wasn't willing to lie either.) Similarly, when I graduated high school and went on an out-of-state college visit to the very expensive private school I was planning to attend, I cried most of the night. I didn't want to go to college at all, but felt like it was expected of me, so that's what I would do. Thankfully my mom overheard me expressing this to a friend over the phone and DOUBLY thankfully my parents aren't the "every kid must go to college" type, so they sat me down and explained to me that if I didn't want to go to college, that was okay with them. In adulthood, my people-pleasing ways looks like throwing all of my groceries up on the lane as fast as I can so that the person behind me doesn't get upset that I'm taking too long. DESPERATELY hoping I'm not the first one to train tracks when the lights start flashing but there's no train yet, because I'm terrified of getting hit by a train, but for unexplained reasons I am even MORE terrified of strangers behind me (whom I'll never meet) getting angry with me if I don't risk my life to cross those train tracks before the train comes. Possibly one of the hardest for me is that I keep mental track of almost everything people mention (in person or online) of things that bother them and then try not to do ANY of those things in front of ANYONE in case it also bothers other people. But I also know I fail, which make me all the more nervous. So sorry to all you loud-chewer-haters out there...I chew loudly. I try not to, but it can't be done. I apologize profusely. The last thing that I do for unknown reasons is I quickly believe anything negative anyone says about me, but if anyone compliments me I'm quick to find a reason that "they have to say that." "Oh, they're my parents, they have to love me." "Oh, it's my therapist, she has to say things that make me feel good." "Oh, my friends know I'm self-conscious about that, so they feel like they need to be nice." I can almost always come up with a reason why a compliment is not genuine (although I will say there are some people I can accept compliments from because I know they're always genuine...including my parents. I've learned to trust the nice things they say since becoming a parent and realizing how much parents truly do love their children). Probably needless to say at this point, people-pleasing is most likely the lead cause of my anxiety. I am constantly in thought over how my words and actions are affecting other people (except for when I'm suffering social anxiety, in which case I'm likely to say rude, thoughtless things that I will reflect upon later and worry about for the rest of my life). ALERT ALERT: ALL of this is actually just as selfish as the "self-love" craze that I loathe. It is first of all assuming that everyone is concerned about me and what I'm doing. Secondly, it's assuming the worst of other people and their intentions when they speak kind words to me. And there are probably more things, but the final one I'll mention is that it speaks untruth about who God is and who He created me to be. Which brings me on to the couple of things that have really helped me: 1.) There was a video series we watched over the Sunday School hour in the summer one year. I can't remember who the speaker was or what the series was about or literally anything about the series except this speaker did a demonstration with a basketball and then he dropped the basketball and made some point that profoundly affected my ability to see that God created me to be me. All of the verses that speak to that suddenly became real to me: -Genesis 1:27 "So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. -Psalm 139:13-14 "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. -1 John 3:1 "See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. I accepted that God made me perfectly, because He's a perfect God who loves me unconditionally. 2.) There is another series that I remember a lot better: Chip Ingram's "True Spirituality" with a focus on Romans 12:3 "For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you." Now, I had focused a lot on trying not to think of myself more highly than I ought, but Chip's focus was on "think of yourself with sober judgment," the command here being to "think accurately about yourself." That means that while I need to be humble, recognizing my faults and working on the areas where I am weak (of which there are plenty)...I also need to acknowledge that God uniquely created me in His image, that I am unconditionally accepted in God' family, and that God gifted me to fulfill His purpose, making me significant. Now, I certainly have not perfected this whole self-assessment thing. I can still be incredibly selfish in the way I look at situations. In fact, just a couple weeks ago I came home and informed my husband that I had said or done something weird and that "everyone disapproved and gave me dirty looks." My wonderful husband who knows me very well responded with, "Okay, but did everyone actually give you dirty looks or were you just imagining they did?" Fair enough. Do you struggle with this also? I don't know if I'll ever stop being in a state of worry over possibly offending friends and strangers alike, but I do know what helps me the most when my worry gets the best of me. I have to speak truth to myself. The truth from above....truth from God's Word about how He made me and how much He loves me. I really do have to learn to love myself...by having an accurate view of myself, one that reflects who God created me to be, while always acknowledging that I'm a sinner saved by grace, whose desire is to follow God's commandments to love Him first and love others second. I'm part of a really wonderful series of lessons on Sunday nights about the spiritual disciplines. I'm learning a ton and this Sunday's lesson was about the importance and practice of prayer. There were several applications that I wanted to work on and the drive home was a good time to start, as we take Aubree home to Marion, making our trip home almost an hour long. I decided that I was going to pray through the various songs that came on the radio, trying to pull out Scripture as I listened. As I left church, I prayed that God would use the time to His glory. I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety lately, and especially had been Wednesday-Saturday of last week. As I drove to Marion, almost every song that came on dealt with fear and anxiety and giving everything over to the Lord. I prayed and cried and thanked God for giving me such perfect songs for the drive. (Except for "Good Morning." God has a sense of humor; I hate that song with my whole being. And I'll never understand why they play it at night.) Anyway, as I listened the song "Just Be Held" by Casting Crowns came on. It reminded me that when we were going through the legal battle to adopt Kylena (and also had been trying to get pregnant for several years) I had a list of songs that I played over and over and over again, and that I keep meaning to listen to those songs again now to see what I hear now that we're on the other side of her adoption. This was one of the songs and suddenly I heard these lyrics: "And not a tear is wasted In time you'll understand I'm painting beauty with the ashes Your life is in My hands" I just started sobbing. Back in 2017 I didn't understand anything and I had no idea if I was wasting my tears or what God had in store. But now, now I understand. His timing is perfect. His plan is better than mine. And I am so thankful for that. So last night I listened to the rest of the songs on my playlist from that time in life and I was hit over and over again with truths about God that at the time I was just choosing to trust were true, and now I've experienced just how true they are. The hard part is knowing that they would still be true even is the outcome was different. Which is what I prayed for over and over again; that I would trust God's goodness and faithfulness even if the outcome wasn't what we prayed for. (I'll admit I'm very relieved we ended up receiving everything our hearts desired.) My last couple of nights ended up being such a wonderful time of worship, praising God for who He is and what He's done and is doing. What a wonderful thing to be able to do as I work through this anxiety I'm experiencing.
The best way I've learned to deal with my anxiety is to speak truth to myself. So for anyone struggling, I want to leave you with a couple of things that help me through hard times. The first is the list of songs that I listened to through my darkest times, reminding me of God's faithfulness: Audio Adrenaline "Kings and Queens" Tenth Avenue North "I Have This Hope" MercyMe "Even If" Hillary Scott & The Scott Family "Thy Will" Lauren Daigle "I Will Trust in You" Casting Crowns "Just Be Held" Matthew West "Do Something" The last thing I want to leave you with is this scripture passage I'm working on memorizing as more truth to speak to myself when I deal with panic attacks: Philippians 4:4-9 "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me - practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you." If any of you are experiencing anxiety, whether because you suffer from anxiety, or whether there's just a circumstance in your life right now that you're anxious about, I pray that this would be a good reminder that God's timing is perfect, that He loves you, and that He can give you peace. So...I originally wrote the following post in August of last year, but I just couldn't bring myself to share it. Nine months and four surgeries later, I'm in a much better place and now feel like I can share where I was at last August. After my surgeries I became determined to get healthier, in every way. I have been doing my Bible study every morning and exercising 6 days a week since January and I have not had a single panic attack in that time. I am in no way saying that's the cure-all: I'm a big believer in therapy and medicine when needed. I'm simply saying it's been good for me and I am in a completely different place now. That being said, here's where I was last August...
Okay, I'm going to be honest here for a minute. I mean...I'm typically honest. This time I'm going to be honest and vulnerable. Going from 2 kids to 3 kids is hard. Like, really hard, harder than I ever could have imagined. We are now outnumbered. I am overwhelmed most of the time. There was already no possible way to get everything done in a day that needed done, and now it's infinitely more that way. I used to be the kind of person who liked to get out of the house with the kids every morning. I still sort of feel like that person, because being at home all day with a bunch of kids (usually I can't remember how many I have) is ridiculously overwhelming. But when I start to think about where to go, I realize that taking all of the kids pretty much anywhere by myself is even MORE overwhelming. There was a time that I'd use those mornings at home to get stuff done, but now all I seem to be able to get done in the mornings is making sure that the kids don't kill each other. Thank goodness for nap time. Lately I have been having little panic attacks. I get overwhelmed, so overwhelmed I don't even know what I'm thinking or feeling and then I go down these really bad paths that make everything worse. Thoughts about how I'm failing at everything I do...that I do so many things, but none of them well. That I had finally learned how to be organized and on time, but that now I'm back to falling apart. When it really gets bad I start thinking that my husband should just leave me; he's too wonderful to deserve dealing with my crazy. (To be clear, my husband is in fact wonderful and supportive and would never, ever leave me...a fact that I am perfectly aware of when I'm not in the middle of a panic attack.) When these thoughts happen, it's hard to rein it back in. It's hard to describe to my husband what I'm feeling and why, so I tend to just cry and shake and I know he feels helpless in those times, which makes me feel even worse. I've never been into positive self-talk or deep breathing, or anything else that in my mind seems a little woo-woo (no offense to those of you who are a little woo-woo). ;) But I'm thankful for friends, one in particular, who has gone through this before me, and always reminds me that I'm not going crazy and that it's normal to feel overwhelmed. After all, I am a mom of three little kids, just moved, just said goodbye to some of my best friends moving, I homeschool my oldest, co-coordinate MUMs, do my deaconess duties, and am working on getting my middle child to evaluations and therapies to determine exactly what helps she needs. She reminds me that the best thing to do is to stop those lies in their track and speak the truth of who God says I am. I don't have all of the answers yet. When my anxiety flares up I usually go to my therapist and work on getting it under control, and that might be what's needed next. I don't know for sure right now...the idea of adding another appointment is equally overwhelming. I'm not sharing to give answers, but to let you know that if you're feeling overwhelmed, you're normal and it's okay. I'M busy with mom stuff....but we're all busy with something or many things. I didn't list what I do to brag. If I'm completely honest, I'm more embarrassed that I can't ever manage to pick a healthy number of things to be a part of, but that's a completely different issue. I listed them because we all have a list of things that we do. I love everything on my list, but I'm still overwhelmed by it at times. I want to encourage each of you, if you're struggling, to know that you're not alone. And I want to remind you not to let lies get you down...whether it's lies from Satan, lies from yourself, or lies from others. God knit you together in your mother's womb and He has a wonderful purpose for you. So be just a little woo-woo and tell yourself truths in the mirror if you need to. Get to counseling or talk to a trusted friend if you need to...but know that you're not alone. A couple months ago I shared a blog about generational friendships, stating my excitement that my daughters have built-in friends because of my friendships. Two weeks ago I found out that one of my best friends, and the person who inspired that blog because she has three daughters the same ages as mine, is moving out of state. Cue all the tears. When Brandon and Nora first came to town and visited our church, Shawn and I were asked to get in touch with them. Our first outing together was to Buffalo Wild Wings, a place that Nora likes and I do not. (We would later find out that us disagreeing is a common theme in our friendship). At first I wasn’t sure how this friendship would go, as I am shy, introverted, and incredibly sensitive and Nora is...none of those things. She is outgoing and says what she thinks. She probably made more friends at Calvary in the first month after moving here than I have in my 32 years. It’s safe to assume that these differences caused some struggles early in our friendship. I could be overly sensitive and get offended easily and that meant that I occasionally found myself offended by things Nora said. However, more importantly, I learned that Nora has a good heart, is loyal to her friends, and that her assertive nature also means that she stands up for me on countless occasions. In groups where conflict starts to arise, I sometimes catch her watching me to see how I’m doing and then she works to de-escalate the conversation simply because she knows I’m horribly uncomfortable with conflict. She changes the subject if people start talking too much about essential oils or things that “don’t contain chemicals”, because she knows it makes me absolutely crazy. Most importantly she has chosen to recognize that I am easily offended and has worked incredibly hard on filtering her thoughts before they come out of her mouth. She hardly ever offends me these days (except for the whole moving out of state thing) and I know it’s because she loves me and desires to be a good friend, which she always will be. We still disagree on pretty nearly everything (except that Princess Bride is a terrible movie). In fact, sometimes at Book Club we get called “The Nora and Marla Show” because we tend to do a fair amount of bickering. However, when she moves away I know that we’ll stay friends because I’ll FINALLY get added to her list of people to send birthday and anniversary cards to. ;) (I’m just kidding Nora, I know you sent me one last year.) Probably I won’t write her back as often as I should and she’ll get annoyed by my lack of commitment to sending cards, but Nora, for you I’ll try. Maybe I’ll even participate in MUMs card-making day this year so that I actually have horribly hideous homemade cards to send you. I’m going to make them all red in memory of you coming to my house right after we met and announcing upon seeing all my red walls that you hate the color red. Of course that was right before the f-bomb incident that I won’t discuss here. :) What I’m trying to say, and hopefully what you’re hearing, is that I’ll miss you. Tremendously. And my husband will miss your husband. And my kids will miss your kids. I can’t believe my baby girl is losing her bestie after just 1 year of life. My whole family will miss your whole family and you better visit us all the time. That’s all for now, I can’t do more tears. w“How do they get socialization if they're homeschooled?” “Aren't you worried about their socialization?” “I could never homeschool; my kids wouldn't get enough socialization.” My oldest is a homeschooled first grader and this is by far the most common concern I hear about homeschooling. In fact last year we took Izzy by train to Fun City for her birthday and while we waited at the train station there was a retired teacher that started talking to her. As soon as she said she was a teacher I sort of tensed up, concerned that she might not be thrilled when she found out that Izzy was homeschooled. It's certainly not that all public educators are against homeschooling, but public school teachers are the people I've most commonly heard voice concerns about homeschooling. Sure enough, she asked Izzy what grade she was in and where she went to school and when Izzy told her she was homeschooled the lady turned to me and exclaimed, “I sure hope you're making sure she's socialized!” I desperately wanted to go through our weekly schedule and explain, “Why yes. On Sundays we have church, on Mondays swim lessons, Tuesdays MOPS, Wednesday AWANA...” etc etc every single day of the week. However, I didn't, because she was a stranger at a train station and I really didn't see the point. Here's the thing: I'm sure that there is perhaps a small percentage of students who are homeschooled who don't get enough “socialization.” I also think there's a chance that homeschooling has changed over time and perhaps in past decades there weren't as many social options as there are now. That being said, in my experience I actually have to say “no” to most activities in order to actually have time to do school at home. There's homeschool dance, homeschool gymnastics, homeschool ice skating, homeschool martial arts, homeschool soccer, homeschool art classes, homeschool trampoline park times. I could literally have my children in social activities all day long every day. That's not including the fact that I can also put them in all of the evening and weekend activities that all of the public school kids are in, or I can dual enroll them in the public school so that they can do the activities and “get socialized” there. All of these little snarky thoughts have been running rampant through my brain this weekend as we had a birthday party for Izzy, who is turning 6, and Kylena, who is turning 3. They managed to invite 70 children to their birthday party. That included all of Izzy's friends from her homeschool assistance program, all of their neighborhood friends, and all of their church friends. It did not include any of their friends from dance or MOPS. So please, please, please don't ask me if my kids are socialized. I PROMISE that they have more friends with more diversity in age and walks of life than I ever did as a kid...and I wasn't homeschooled. I'm not a person who makes goals. Plans, yes. Goals, no. I suppose I'm okay with making goals as long as there's a plan to get there. I'm all about practicality.
My five year old has decided she has a passion for whining, or at least that's how it seems. She's incredibly dramatic and you would think that her life is being ruined what seems like just about every moment of the day. And it makes me lose my patience. Quickly. Running out of sanity, I decided to make a goal, especially for while we were doing home school. I was not going to yell at my daughter anymore. Now, this didn't mean that there wouldn't be consequences for her actions. It just meant that I was going to learn how to be timely and consistent with consequences instead of just lecturing over and over until I lose my patience and blow up. It went really smoothly for the first day. The second day we had a slight hiccup because we went to Target and I asked her to wait for me to help her out of the van, but instead she swung the door open and it crashed into the car next to us where there was a lady sitting inside. Fun times. But really, it was pretty smooth sailing for a few weeks, until eventually I lost sight of my goal and my action steps and started falling back into old habits of getting frustrated and losing my temper. Then one morning I woke up and decided to read Ephesians 6. It is not even slightly normal for me to wake up and just decide to read a random chapter of the Bible. To reiterate, I am a planner, and I typically read my Bible based on some sort of plan I've found or created. However, this particular morning I just had Ephesians 6 on my mind. I didn't remember what it was even though I love to remind my five year old of verse 1-3 talking about how children need to obey their parents. However, the next verse, Ephesians 6:4 says, "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." Bam. Now I realize I'm not a father, but I assume God doesn't want mothers to provoke their children either. It was exactly the convicting reminder I needed. Funny how God does that, huh? Once again it was a reminder not to provoke my children, but to raise them according to God's Word, disciplining in an appropriate way that will lovingly teach them the truth. It was in fact convicting, but it was also a great reminder of God's grace. I apologized to my daughter for being impatient and harsh and she forgave me. God also has forgiven me and gives me the strength to start over with my goal, trusting that He will continue to grow me as a parent as I remain in His Word. Today my friend sent me a link that a local mom blog group is looking for more bloggers. She thought that I should apply and so I got to thinking about blogging and about my thoughts on motherhood and thought, "Why not!" Then I decided that even if I don't get picked as a contributor for that particular blog, there's no reason I can't start my own blog. So here I am to share with you stories about being a wife, a mother, a friend, and a believer in Jesus Christ. Check out the "About" section to learn more about who I am. I hope you'll keep reading!
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Marla HoyMy family says and does silly things and I write it down. Archives
March 2020
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