So...I originally wrote the following post in August of last year, but I just couldn't bring myself to share it. Nine months and four surgeries later, I'm in a much better place and now feel like I can share where I was at last August. After my surgeries I became determined to get healthier, in every way. I have been doing my Bible study every morning and exercising 6 days a week since January and I have not had a single panic attack in that time. I am in no way saying that's the cure-all: I'm a big believer in therapy and medicine when needed. I'm simply saying it's been good for me and I am in a completely different place now. That being said, here's where I was last August...
Okay, I'm going to be honest here for a minute. I mean...I'm typically honest. This time I'm going to be honest and vulnerable. Going from 2 kids to 3 kids is hard. Like, really hard, harder than I ever could have imagined. We are now outnumbered. I am overwhelmed most of the time. There was already no possible way to get everything done in a day that needed done, and now it's infinitely more that way. I used to be the kind of person who liked to get out of the house with the kids every morning. I still sort of feel like that person, because being at home all day with a bunch of kids (usually I can't remember how many I have) is ridiculously overwhelming. But when I start to think about where to go, I realize that taking all of the kids pretty much anywhere by myself is even MORE overwhelming. There was a time that I'd use those mornings at home to get stuff done, but now all I seem to be able to get done in the mornings is making sure that the kids don't kill each other. Thank goodness for nap time. Lately I have been having little panic attacks. I get overwhelmed, so overwhelmed I don't even know what I'm thinking or feeling and then I go down these really bad paths that make everything worse. Thoughts about how I'm failing at everything I do...that I do so many things, but none of them well. That I had finally learned how to be organized and on time, but that now I'm back to falling apart. When it really gets bad I start thinking that my husband should just leave me; he's too wonderful to deserve dealing with my crazy. (To be clear, my husband is in fact wonderful and supportive and would never, ever leave me...a fact that I am perfectly aware of when I'm not in the middle of a panic attack.) When these thoughts happen, it's hard to rein it back in. It's hard to describe to my husband what I'm feeling and why, so I tend to just cry and shake and I know he feels helpless in those times, which makes me feel even worse. I've never been into positive self-talk or deep breathing, or anything else that in my mind seems a little woo-woo (no offense to those of you who are a little woo-woo). ;) But I'm thankful for friends, one in particular, who has gone through this before me, and always reminds me that I'm not going crazy and that it's normal to feel overwhelmed. After all, I am a mom of three little kids, just moved, just said goodbye to some of my best friends moving, I homeschool my oldest, co-coordinate MUMs, do my deaconess duties, and am working on getting my middle child to evaluations and therapies to determine exactly what helps she needs. She reminds me that the best thing to do is to stop those lies in their track and speak the truth of who God says I am. I don't have all of the answers yet. When my anxiety flares up I usually go to my therapist and work on getting it under control, and that might be what's needed next. I don't know for sure right now...the idea of adding another appointment is equally overwhelming. I'm not sharing to give answers, but to let you know that if you're feeling overwhelmed, you're normal and it's okay. I'M busy with mom stuff....but we're all busy with something or many things. I didn't list what I do to brag. If I'm completely honest, I'm more embarrassed that I can't ever manage to pick a healthy number of things to be a part of, but that's a completely different issue. I listed them because we all have a list of things that we do. I love everything on my list, but I'm still overwhelmed by it at times. I want to encourage each of you, if you're struggling, to know that you're not alone. And I want to remind you not to let lies get you down...whether it's lies from Satan, lies from yourself, or lies from others. God knit you together in your mother's womb and He has a wonderful purpose for you. So be just a little woo-woo and tell yourself truths in the mirror if you need to. Get to counseling or talk to a trusted friend if you need to...but know that you're not alone.
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Marla HoyMy family says and does silly things and I write it down. Archives
March 2020
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